Discarding toxic people from your life
Every year around Christmas, I marvel at how quickly time had passed by. Is it really another year already? As morbid as it is, I can’t help but want to make sure my time is well spent.
Earlier this month, I started receiving emails, tweets, LinkedIn messages, and even Facebook messages from my former lab coworkers. Every day they bombarded me with requests to sign off on some forms to authorize publication of a paper that I was apparently listed on ass an author. This was stuff I had worked on maybe 4 or 5 years ago. Each day I would receive another bombardment of messages from people who had not spoken to me in over three years. They literally did not even give me a day to reply.
Photo Credit: futureatlas.com via flickr
I was conflicted – I had no part in writing this paper, had never seen or approved the manuscript, and really wanted nothing to do with my previous career any more. Plus, I was getting annoyed at being harassed everyday when I had just finished moving. We still didn’t have internet hooked up.
I had left that job and that career path years ago for this very reason. The PI would make demands on his employees and expect them to execute them immediately, no matter what. When the lab didn’t produce results that he wanted, months of work might be scrapped. One post-doc was at the lab for FOUR years and was never permitted to publish a paper because his results contradicted the PI’s previous work. So I wondered – why the hell should I go out of my way to do then any favors, when all they have ever done is taken advantage of me and other employees? This was the workplace that laughed and told me to not bother learning any new skills “because you’ll still always just be a tech.”
But Brian urged me not to be pretty. And I had stupidly accepted a LinkedIn request from one of those former colleagues. So I sucked up my pride and filled n the forms to authorize my name on a paper I hadn’t even known existed till a week ago.
And lo and behold, what happened? I got yet another text a few days later insisting that I “had” to email the lab immediately or else they would need to resubmit the paper. Oh, you mean the paper that I didn’t know about and didn’t ask to be put on? I sent back a tweet explaining that I had already filled out the forms as requested, and that I wouldn’t be doing any more for them because it wasn’t my concern.
In response, I received a nasty, semi-threatening tweet which remarked that I should be glad to be in a field “that didn’t need networking” and “good luck with that”. Thanks, miss you too! After that exchange, I became very stressed out, my chest hurt, and I was angry.
The point is, when you engage with toxic people, even if you are just trying to be nice or fair, they will always ask more from you. And when they do not get it, they will show their true colors. I ended up deleting everyone from that workplace from my social networks.
In my case, I should have stuck to my convictions and remembered that I did not owe these people anything. I quit years ago, gave them full notice, and did not even ask to be on this paper. Hell, no one even told me I was on the paper until they needed something from me! Instead, by trying to do something nice, I wasted my own life energy and caused myself a shitload of stress.
As the year comes to an end, I think it’s important to remind ourselves that we have a limited time on this world. Don’t waste it on people who drain your life energy with their own selfishness. They are toxic! Get rid of them, as quickly as you can and devote yourself to the people who are actually important.
21 Responses to “Discarding toxic people from your life”
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I tend to be of the opinion that ignoring is generally the best way to go in situations like these – since poking a sleeping bear can only cause problems…
It’s probably the most adult decision as well. It just gets me so angry though! :S
It can be tough to take the higher road and ignore them, but your sanity is totally worth it.
I ignore most toxic people in my life. The jealous, the annoying, the nosy, the gossiper… but it is hard to get rid of 100%. I think most of the toxicity is not personal anyway, so if I still get some I let it slide.
I try to discard and forget. I find that sometimes, the behaviour bothers me so much that it stresses me out even when they are not there. Arg.
I hate that feeling too — good for you, getting out of there!
Thanks!
Ugh. Dealing with toxic people can be really rough. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I hate that feeling…
I think you did the right thing. There is no need to deal with toxicity, especially if you don’t have to.
Thanks Greg! I just can’t believe how riled up and stressed out the whole thing got me. I haven’t to deal with these people in years, and BOOM… they get me again.
This isn’t exactly related but years ago (maybe 8 now) after leaving college I had to change a bunch of the friends I had at that time. They were all bums and weren’t very motivated to do anything with their lives; in-fact, I started to develop their mentality and became a complete waste myself.
With that said, I had to make a decision to move on, leave all of those people and basically start from scratch. Looking back, it was definitely necessary and I’m certainly glad that I did it.
I have found that as well. Certain friends are great for certain points in life, but then you outgrow them. I don’t really speak with anyone from high school or university on a regular basis at all.
I definitely don’t tolerate people who I find out really don’t mean well for me in my life. Sometimes however people are able to hide their jealously and envy from you for a long time. In your case you did the right thing by not allowing them to take more of your time and energy. You owe them nothing in my opinion, and their impolite response towards you proves that it’s best to leave them where they are…in their own mess.
Thanks K.K.! I’m just really baffled at the whole situation still – why put me on a paper I didn’t ask to be put on then get mad at me when I don’t want to work/help out on getting it approved? Thankfully, I haven’t had any more communications from them.
Wow, screw that! I say let them stew. You don’t owe them a thing!
Haha, thanks for the support!
What a bunch of jerks and I completely agree. As I get older I realize that it’s a good thing to be selective with friends and acquaintances. Why would anyone want to waste their time with people they don’t like and aren’t nice to them? Something I’ve definitely learned as I’ve grown up.
Exactly. I think when we’re young, we’re more preoccupied with having popularity and being liked. As I get older, I’m a lot more selective about who I want to associate with. :S
AMEN! We get to choose the people that are important and a part of our lives. And we can choose to make the a-holes that happen to be there sometimes without our consent or choice peripheral characters rather than main ones. So sorry you had to go through this drama. Glad it’s over. And good riddance to them.
I’m glad it’s over too! It definitely felt like a drama… high school all over again.
Gross! Sounds like you are way, way better off with your new career!! That really sucks. Normally getting published is something to celebrate
I am definitely better off with the new career – I am very very thankful for being able to switch careers :p